Hey Maria, my name is Emmanuel. I’m a student in Professor
Cooper’s ENG 101 class. Foremost I’d like to comment that your blog assignment
is one that sparks interest. The size of your paragraph seems legitimate enough
to reflect the ideas you want to convey. You provided the necessary and obvious
information such as the title of the article, its author, and proper
quotations. However, although you described its purpose, you may want to
abbreviate CAFO for first time readers on this. Also, the sentence where you
introduce what CAFO does, it is reiterated in the following sentence. This is unnecessary.
You can still expand effectively without it. There was a slight grammar problem
that might be hard for readers to understand such as “…gaining a lot of amount
of weight even children over the years are gaining weight thanks to the sugar,
fat and salt.” Simply placing a period after “amount of weight” should suffice
in not making it sound like a run-on sentence.
But just saying “thanks to the sugar…”adds a playful tone on a not so
playful subject matter. You exercised your conversational voice here. Other
than that you clearly understood the assignment.
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